I became a mother at a very early age and learned quickly what being a mother was really all about.
I learned what it meant to love someone unconditionally as they projectile vomit and poop all over you. I learned what it meant to have an unbreakable bond with another human, so unbreakable that you can’t even poop in peace.
I learned how to share and put someone else’s hungry needs first despite the fact that I hadn’t eaten all day because that little person I created has eaten not only their meal but mine as well, and now they are taking my last f’ing cookie!
My mother taught me a lot about being a mother, like patience and how to change a diaper. She told me why I should baby-proof and taught me that a mother loves their child no matter what they have done. However, there are things my mom forgot to tell me about being a mom.
What she didn’t tell me:
- You will become immune to the smell of vomit. Now I can handle blood, guts, and poop with no problem, even the smell of a decaying body (don’t ask). What makes my stomach turn is vomit and spit. Oddly enough after having kids it no longer affects me (well as long as the vomit is coming from them).
- You can tell which kid has a dirty diaper by just the smell. Seriously, ask any Mom that has multiple children and she can tell you which child pooped or farted by just the smell. Go Go Mom nose!
- You will never potty alone again. When your child starts crawling and up until they move out of the house, don’t expect to ever use the bathroom in peace again. When they are younger, expect to have an audience.
- Your kids won’t need anything from you until you go to the bathroom. It’s true, they have “mommy potty time radar” and will wait until you are on the toilet to ask you a question or need you.
- You will never snack (or eat again) without your kids knowing and tracking you down. If you want a snack, build a safe room that you can barricade yourself into. Trust me, it can be the middle of the night when they are dead asleep; you tiptoe into the kitchen and attempt to open a Hershey bar, then bam out of nowhere they are standing right next to you. Side Note: Their ability to appear out of nowhere is kind of creepy.
- Aliens abduct your child around the age of 12 and return them once they are in their 20s. You’ll notice around the age of 12, and seemingly overnight, your child has been replaced with a lookalike BUT much different. Their sweet polite little voice is now demanding and demon-like. They went from needing you to tuck them in last night to now locking you out of their room. Their attitude is that of a mix between a snobby heir or heiress and an 80-year-old something person that thinks they know it all and are invincible. You, sweet dear parent, are now always wrong about everything and hear “I hate you” at least twice a day. No worries, the aliens that took your child will return them when they are in their 20s (for some it may be longer than that, no one has been able to figure out why the aliens keep some children longer than others.)
- Everything you did to your parents, your kids will do 10 times worse to you. Actually, my mom did warn me of this. Something like “I hope one day you have kids that act just like you.” At the time (I was in my early teens) I thought that statement was a compliment. Turns out it was a curse that cannot be broken. Thanks, Mom!
- You will become psychic. Upon giving birth, you are given great power; you become psychic. You will know what your kids are planning to do before they do it. When they are in another room, you know immediately by the sound level what is going on and what they are up to (a lower sound level means they are up to no good). However, this weird new ability only works on your kids, so forget thinking you can win the lotto.
- You will never have a clean car again. Seriously, your car interior now consists of toys, sports equipment, extra changes of clothes, food stains, and a cheeseburger in between the seats that is 2 years old.
- You will learn to walk on legos or barbies. Forget walking on fire. You’re not a badass until you can walk on legos or barbies without screaming every cuss word in the book! If you haven’t mastered this skill yet, don’t worry you will!